Defying the Stupidity of Ageism: How to Harvest your Wisdom over 80
People don’t often acknowledge it, but Western society continues to suffer from rampant and inane ageism. It is perhaps the most condoned form of discrimination there is (as well as discrimination against our “future selves”), it is so ingrained that most of us are not even aware of the stereotypes that prevail, both around and within us.
I have always been angered and taken aback by how our society shamefully “counts people out” because of their age. Most of all, I find it insulting and demeaning that we negate and ignore intelligent, wise, loving and creative people because they have reached an age that WE cruelly consider to be “not relevant”.
It is for this reason that I am so proud and absolutely in love with the “Harvesting your Wisdom” group that I initiated more than two years ago on Zoom that has been meeting very regularly throughout; people from all over the world, ages 50 and above, who come to gather to explore with introspection, to learn, share and bring forth insights on fascinating, profound, moving and stimulating topics and questions in our lives. Here we don’t stop developing ourselves personally and spiritually because our timeline says we have reached a certain age in the world. On the contrary! Harvesting your Wisdom is a place where experience meets reflection and insight, this is what it is all about. For further information and details about the diverse kinds of activities and programs in the group please see this link.
In this article, I would like to share the voices of two of our veteran members, two remarkable women living in Florida today, both of whom have passed the age of 80 and truly embody the spirit of this group, in so many ways. I will let their voices speak for themselves, in their own authentic, wise and inspiring way. I am both grateful and humbled to share them here.
Fran Baer: a Life Replete with Energy & Connection
Fran is a dear and amazing woman! With 88 years of life experience, she has a lifelong resume of achievement behind her, a bright mind, an open heart and a captivating smiling demeanor.
In looking back on her years, Fran writes:
“My schedule was always full. Teaching, I was either planning or grading the day’s lessons, pursuing a Master’s Degree in Guidance and Counseling: as President of the Teachers’ Union, I was on call day and night, negotiating their contract, attending to their grievances, soliciting community support for the teachers and their students, traveling to Romania as part of a contingent of Union leaders sponsored by the United States government to acquaint workers on how unions operate in a democratic society; as a parent I cooked, shopped, cleaned, attended my children’s and later grandchildren’s activities around the country and never missed family events, some joyful others sad, where ever they might be. Yes, I had the energy.”
Fran retired at age 69, but it was no indication that she was entering a “new phase”, the energy just shifted into other areas.
“I accepted positions as Co-Principal of our Temple Religious School, President of the League of Women Voters of the Space Coast, and Political Action Chair of the Retired Teachers’ Union Organization. Together with my Significant Other, a flamenco aficionado, we traveled to Spain with 13-year-old grandchildren and grand-nieces. With friends I traveled to Cuba as part of a delegation of Sisters to Sisters sponsored by the U.S. and the national League of Women Voters, later to France and London. With my daughter and her husband, I visited Israel twice, attended a friend’s wedding, stayed on a Kibbutz and gloriously followed my grandson and his Israeli basketball team around the country.”
While Fran’s life continued to be full of energy and full of admirable “doing”, other processes were going on at another level: “Mid-way into my retirement, I realized I needed to stop and take stock. I had to learn to give myself permission to do nothing. The mind was willing, but my body was giving me signals to slow down. My energy was waning. Had I resisted those signals, I could not have been there in every sense of the word for my Significant Other’s prostate cancer surgery and rehabilitation, an ongoing situation with the recurrence of the cancer.”
And then the Ground Shook Ferociously…
Fran: “My son was diagnosed with Glioblastoma. I went numb. I told myself, “There is no way to find the strength and energy to be there for him as he battles courageously the inevitable finality”. Where does a mother turn? I knew I had to find a path forward. I read everything available about the dreaded cancer. I talked night and day with his brother, sister, wife, sister-in-law, daughters, one of whom is a doctor and was in touch with my son’s doctors. I knew my children were equally suffering. So, I wept for them, for him, for me, some days all day. I still weep even as I write. Sometimes I feel numbness was the only relief, but I knew I needed to be near him as he needed to be near me.”
Fran’s great pain led her to reach out to her Rabbi for consolation and strength to meet the challenges before her: “I called my Rabbi who consoled me and suggested I contact Janet Helfand, a long ago friend who was involved in Sage-ing (note: a unique form of “Conscious Aging”). I did so and Janet referred me to the “Harvesting Your Wisdom” group and to Ronnie Dunetz. I cannot begin to describe how much energy and support I have garnered from this group all throughout the many difficult weeks of my son’s illness and into and following his last days. Throughout these most difficult times of my life I relied on my children and the genuine support of these new friends- the Harvesting your Wisdom (HYW) group- and its facilitator, founder and experienced life coach- Ronnie Dunetz.
I still do. These Wednesday sessions offer me the skills and energy to live. Together with my family of loved ones and the birth of two great grandchildren, I survive and rejoice in finding the support that allows the memories of the good times to balance the grief I will always carry.
The group’s sessions are never disappointing, there is always a new and stimulating topic presented with fascinating videos and presentation, the dyad discussions on Zoom make it all so personal, and the group “harvest” discussion is where Ronnie brings forth and evokes in us new insights and perspectives we never actually thought of.
Wisdom, derived through aging and the exigencies of living, tells me that energy is a best friend that requires loving care, honor and respect. One thing I can say now from the vantage point of 88 years of life experience is that time will take its toll and our energy will ebb and flow. Nurture and conserve it. We need to give it a rest from time to time and call on it when needed. The wisdom is knowing the difference. Just recently I flew from Florida to Connecticut for my 70th High School Reunion, encouraged and accompanied by my daughter and her valued energy.
My family is so very important to me, and I have expanded it by including the Harvesting your Wisdom group and its facilitator in most trusted and reliable circles. To be able to draw on them and to harvest the wisdom of my many years and experiences is a true and cherished gift that I value dearly.”
Janet Helfand: Growth and Love can Blossom at any Age
If I had one word to describe Janet it would no doubt be: Incredible! Janet is a profoundly impressive woman who has taught me and all of us so much. She embodies the fact that life is never just a “stop sign”, that all difficulties can be opportunities for new growth and development, despite the pain and sadness they may inflict. One might say that Janet’s story of life began with a loss and from that point on it’s been a journey of cultivating life and wisdom, in one way or another…
Janet: “I was born nearly 81 years ago and raised in a blended family after my father was killed in World War II and my stepfather married my mother. I was 5 years old and my sister was 12 ½ years old. My stepfather came with a 5-year-old daughter and a 12 ½ year old son. Due to nature and nurture, I became an observer and “good girl” trying to meet expectations of my parents. There was not much nurturing in the family system, with each parent trying to protect his/her biological children. I know my mother said it was hard to have us become a harmoniously functioning family.
I was a good student, did what was expected of me: went to school, graduated college and got married at 20 years of age. I had my first child at 21 years of age and discovered I knew nothing about babies and raising a family. I listened to my elders and tried to fulfill the role of being a dutiful wife and mother. When my youngest went into kindergarten, I started back to get my Master’s Degree and was surprised, when I said something, someone actually listened. I don’t think I ever asked myself what was important to me and what do I want. I served the family, up until that point.
When I started working on my Doctorate Degree, which took me 5 years to complete, it was suggested we go into therapy to distinguish our own issues from those of our clients. I was shocked when I told my counselor that I never knew who would show up for dinner, in the family, and she asked me what I thought was a good time to have dinner. I told her what I thought and she asked me why I don’t serve the meal at that time and whoever is there eats and put the rest away and they can take it out of the refrigerator and heat it up when they came home.
Thus started my transformation. I remember, at one time, my husband told me I was no longer the woman he married. I remember telling him I was grateful for starting to become my own person. At age 42, I graduated with my doctorate and became a psychologist, after passing my Boards, and went into private practice.
Life happens when you are busy planning the future
Janet: “At age 44, after 23 years of marriage, my husband got cancer and passed away 3 months later. My mother wanted me to go back into the classroom and play it safe, since I would have a steady income with retirement benefits. It was a good idea, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it on my own. I had serious financial problems, as my late-husband had just lost his position, as Vice President of Engineering, for a company working at the Space Center. He did not even do anything about obtaining medical insurance for the family. Luckily, I belonged to some professional organization and obtained regular medical and catastrophic insurance. I probably would have lost the house, if I did not have that insurance.
So, here I was having no idea how I was going to pay off the debts of a 23-year marriage with two mortgages, one for the house and one for a condo we owned and had many fears. I took part-time work and continued to work at my private practice. Eventually, I paid off both mortgages.”
Janet overcame the paralyzing fear of not being able to financially take care of herself and her family. Her children, much like their mother, dug in and found ways to pay their way through college, eventually graduating from top notch schools and assuming high level management positions. She is very proud of her sons, for who they are and what they have accomplished.
About one year after the death of her husband, Janet met a man whom she began dating which led to a relationship of some 30 years.
Janet: “He moved into my house and I was the primary “breadwinner.” He started a small part-time business and did chores around the house that kept me from having to hire people to do these jobs. During our time together, I continued to take classes to grow as a human being, and leadership classes, and became a Certified Sage-ing Leader. I wanted to take the time to challenge myself and reflect on my life and go deeper into learning and harvesting the wisdom with other likeminded people. I wanted to help people see that they could create other opportunities in their lives by reframing their situations and mindsets and taking actions in spite of their fears. See something in a different way, and something else is possible.”
Alas, life has its way of meandering around bends and turns. After many years, this man who was her “significant other” began to show signs of UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOR, withdrawal and severe depression. You may think you know a person well, but even after years a new side may show up, one that you really can’t deal with, or simply choose to make a change to save your own sanity.
Janet: “It was very difficult…he began to accuse me of saying I did not want to take care of him and of “bashing” him, VERBALLY, all the time. He told his family that he wanted to move out to be by himself, and live close to them. He did not want to be responsible for another person. I think I, too, had become pretty depressed and tired, as I was so responsible for so many things, without getting any support or acknowledgement or appreciation. He moved out, with the help of his family, five days after he told me he was leaving, in the middle of Covid. I was left with no family nearby. I not only lost him, but the family too…It was so very difficult but I was finally able to let go, emotionally and when I did, I felt that a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I no longer felt responsible for his well-being.”
And then a new life “flew in” from above
Janet: “I have learned from my life experience that I must initiate the changes that I wish to bring about in my life…I got onto a website for older people to meet each other. I used it more like a pen pal site to just have people to contact. I was really looking for someone I could go out to eat with or converse with. Covid was slowly becoming less of a threat and I met some single women in my community to socialize with; but I was the one who made things happen. I was not going to sit home and feel sorry for myself.
Then, I saw someone online, by the name of Jim, who lived on the west coast of Florida and owned a plane. I live on the east coast of Florida. I knew nothing about small plane owners. I asked if he would like to fly here and have a meal with me. I was definitely expecting a “ no.” To my surprise, he said he would do it. So we arranged a lunch and I picked him up at the Melbourne airport. I had to get out of my comfort zone and drive on the interstate and go to a special place at the airport. He sent me the instructions. We met for lunch. That began the beginning of our relationship.
I did tell him, after we saw each other a few times, that I was not interested in being a “significant other” again; marriage was in my future. Since I really wanted to be married, previously, and my significant other would not sign a pre-nuptial agreement, I gave in and we just lived together. I learned, after our “divorce,” that I was not going to give in again and would say what was important to me and stand by it. What is right for me, may not be right for others, but I will say what is right for me.
After 9 months of dating, Jim and I were married on January 23, 2022, a week after my 80th birthday. What I have learned from this relationship is to pay attention to what is important and not to focus on the small stuff. Men just do men stuff sometimes. I focus on what I am grateful for, at this time of my life, and that includes having a man who loves me and wants to share his life with me; does he do stupid stuff? Of course, but so do I. Let go of expectations and accept what is and then I can take another action rather than trying to change it, or correct it, or make it wrong. Each day, I create having a great relationship. It’s not like it is a great relationship, I make it so, by choosing what to focus on or asking for what I want, or just giving up my expectations and perfectionism. It’s the journey and not the destination.
And what’s more…I would never have believed it in a million years but…I fly with Jim in his 4-SEATER small plane, usually flying 2 times a week, to meet friends who fly also, for breakfast. We have also flown to the Bahamas, Cleveland, Ohio and Pascagoula, Mississippi for visits to see family and friends. I no longer have fears, concentrate on the task at hand, and take pleasure knowing that I am sharing my life with a new partner in my Wisdom Years!”
I continue to “fly” with “Harvesting your Wisdom”!
Ronnies’ “Harvesting your Wisdom” has been a staple “home away from home” for me for nearly two years now. It is a place where I continue to grow and have a positive impact on others. Our group has gelled in a very meaningful way, we explore, share, challenge, support and learn things that one does not find in your usual workshop framework. People come here from all over the world, who have passed the age of 50 and continue to want to improve themselves, reflect on how their life has been and what they want it to be going forward. Ronnie never ceases to challenge us with new topics, questions and formats that bring out the best in us.
I appreciate these new opportunities in my life and I cherish the relationships we forge because I know how important people and connections are as we age.”
My Final Comments
What can I add after these potent, honest and wise words from such wise women? I am deeply grateful that the Harvesting your Wisdom concept works for them and the others, I wish to bring several additional suitable people into this group and spread the concept that we all have the inalienable right to continue to grow personally, internally and spiritually throughout our lives, regardless of age, wherever we are in the world. We must put a stop to the stupidity of ageism, both in the way it is manifested “out there in the world”, and “in there, deep inside us.”
May we continue to have the strength, wisdom and perseverance to harvest our wisdom to the very last breath of our lives.
Amen.